How to Piss off a Writer
So I interviewed Kyle Prue at an event recently, and he’s written a book called How To Piss off Men. It’s a collection of a bunch of one-liners you can use to upset your special guy. Made me start thinking, what pisses me off? Not too much, unless I’m driving, in which case everyone and everything makes me homicidal. But in all other parts of life? I’m pretty chill.
But there are things you can say to a writer to piss them off, or at least annoy them. The writer won’t show their true feelings, because most of us just want to be liked. But things can really get under our skin, and here’s an incomplete guide of things to say to a writer to piss them off. Help yourself.
You say:
“You’re a writer? That’s cool. Have you written anything I would have read?”
I say:
“Probably not.”
I want to say:
“We just met. How the fuck do I know what you’ve read?”
You say:
“Wow, I wish I had time to write.”
I say:
“Yeah.”
I want to say:
“It’s not racquetball, dude. It’s my goddamn job.”
You say:
“I’d love to read your book, but I get scared too easily.”
I say:
“Ha, not as scary as the news!”
I want to say:
“I don’t give a shit if you read it. Just buy it. In fact, buy a dozen copies and shove them into little libraries around town. Freak out your neighbors.”
You say:
“Hey, I read your book. It was a light and easy read, finished it in a weekend at the beach.”
I say:
“Thanks for reading!”
I want to say:
“Light and easy read? Motherfucker, that took me a year to write and I broke down in tears during the ending.”
You say:
“I’m guessing AI is really allowing you to write books faster now. Must be a huge help.”
I say:
“I don’t use AI to write, but I can see how it could be a good research tool.”
I want to say:
“Do you let your dog close your real-estate deals? I didn’t think so. Jesus Christ.”
You say:
“What’s your favorite book you’ve written?”
I say:
“Oh, you know, it’s too hard to decide. It’s like choosing your favorite child.”
I want to say:
“I hate them all.”
You say:
“I have a great idea for a book, but I don’t want to write it. Maybe you could write it? But I don’t want to tell you about it unless you’re in. No offense or anything, but it’s a really good idea.”
I say:
“I’m sorry, I have so much writing I’m already working on. But you should write it! Tell me your idea so I can help you refine it.”
I want to say:
“You really think I’m going to steal your idea about a ghost cat who helps a real cat find his way back to his owner?”
You say:
“I have a thirteen-year-old who’s written a serial-killer novel. It’s so unique, it’s actually a scratch-and-sniff book. Can you spend a few weeks with him helping him edit it, and then maybe your agent can take a look?”
I say:
“Sorry, I’m traveling for the next nine months.”
I want to say:
“I’m absolutely stealing that idea.”